At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
