I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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