I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
