I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
