All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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