Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
