If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
