whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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