what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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