and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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