Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
