I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
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Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
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I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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