I can text with my tongue
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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