Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
