Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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