you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
