TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
