what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
