I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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