Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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