So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
