If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
