i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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