I think I won the penis lottery.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize