I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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