Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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