Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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