I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
