my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
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I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
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I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home