At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
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Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
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Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.