he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER