We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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