Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
