What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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