if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
