Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
