I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
