so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
