Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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