So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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