I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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