I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
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He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
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So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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