hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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