just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
