dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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