i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
