he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
