I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
