i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
