I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
