I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Randomize
