he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
