It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
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