Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
