I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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