Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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