Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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