Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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