I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
