I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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