Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
